How Can I Help? Interview with local authors Anna Ranieri and Joe Gurkoff

Anna Ranieri, Ph.D and Joe Gurkoff, MA are two seasoned psychotherapists with additional specialties in career counseling and coaching.  Their new book, HOW CAN I HELP: What You Can (And Can't) Do To Counsel A Friend, Colleague, Or Family Member With A Problem, offers a roadmap for those seeking to help their friends, colleagues and family members cope with life's inevitable challenges. 

In prepreation for their discussion and book signing at the Burlingame Public Library on May 7, 2013 at 7:00pm, Anna and Joe agreed to answer a few questions.  Their reponses are insightful and speak to the intelligence of each of them.

1. What is the collaborative writing process like? Can you describe what you think the other brings to the table?

JOE GURKOFF:  How Can I Help? was truly a joint effort.  We wrote 90% of the book together, in the same room, at the same time, talking about what we wanted to say and then figuring out how to convey our thoughts.  This was possible because after knowing each other for many years, having trained together, done the same kinds of work and worked together on occasion, we have an extensive body of knowledge.  The book was Anna’s idea.  When she described it to me her vision was so clear that we had no trouble making creative decisions and keeping on track. 

 ANNA RANIERI: For us, it was fairly easy and enjoyable.  My writing can veer toward the extremely telegraphic, and Joe is more willing to elaborate.  In addition, Joe is relaxed by nature and not easily frustrated!

JOE GURKOFF: Before becoming a psychotherapist Anna had an MBA and a variety of business experiences.  As a therapist, in organizational consulting and career counseling she’s worked one-on-one with women and men and with many combinations of women and men together.  As we wrote the book we made sure to reflect both female and male points of view to make it useful to a wide variety of people in solving a wide variety of problems.   I think that’s one of the book’s strengths, one of the things that make it unique.  I don’t know how that would have been possible without Anna’s experience and insight.

2. What brought you together around this topic of helping people help each other?  Was there a specific conversation or was it born from more general observations/interests?

ANNA RANIERI:   I mentioned to Joe one day that I'd like to, but probably never would, write a book called "How Can I Help?" to teach basic counseling skills to the non-professional helper.  Joe liked the idea, researched it online, and found that there were no similar books out there.  He said, "We have to do this!", and so we did.

JOE GURKOFF:  As I said, the book was Anna’s idea.  We’d both had countless experiences of hearing the typical mistakes well-meaning people make when they are trying to be helpful.  We’ve seen the predictable responses and thought to ourselves how much frustration and suffering could be avoided if more people had some basic familiarity with the same basic counseling skills we learned ourselves.  So when she told me the idea, picking up on it was the proverbial no-brainer.

3. What are the benefits, do you think, to helping? Why are people so driven to help one another?

JOE GURKOFF:  People are naturally driven to help one another.  Helping is a natural response.  It feels good to be helpful.  It feels even better to be successful.  There’s nothing more fulfilling and satisfying than fulfilling a natural urge.  Helping conveys a message of one person’s care and respect for another.  The shared experience of helping and being helped builds and strengthens relationships which are another source of satisfaction and fulfillment.

ANNA RANIERI:  Helping a friend, colleague or family member can strengthen the relationship and benefit both the helper and the person being helped.  Its human nature to want to help, and expressing empathy aids our own well-being.

4. One thing I did not see directly addressed, though I may have missed it in my reading, is the issue of expectation.  Both from the view point of the helper and person seeking help.  Can you both speak to managing expectations in this context?

ANNA RANIERI:  As a helper, it's important to be aware of, and communicate, one's own limitations.  We urge the readers to take this into account and to demur, or to exit the helping process, if one is out of one's league.  We also urge the helper to assist their friend, colleague or family member to set realistic goals and not expect miraculous help or miraculous outcomes. 

JOE GURKOFF: Starting with our subtitle: “What You Can (And Can’t) Do” and all the way through the book we address the issue of expectations mostly from the helper’s point of view.  We give an overview of the helping process and talk about what one can realistically do for another overall and from one stage of the process to the next.   We stress that there are circumstances and situations where the best one can do is suggest a friend find a professional helper and we show and tell how best to do that. 

5. Ultimately, there is a limit to what we all can do to help each other and ourselves, right?  When does help become unhelpful?

ANNA RANIERI: Yes, there is a limit.  One has to take care of oneself first; one has to seek professional help when it's needed.  One has to accept that some problems are beyond one's power to solve.  

And how does one manage to keep from falling into a codependent/serial helper?

We urge people to be aware of the friend who will take all of one's time and energy, and who never seems to make the effort to solve her/his problems.  Confronting them with this fact, and letting them know that you choose not to be the on-call helper, may be the best help you ever give them!

JOE GURKOFF: Help becomes unhelpful when one doesn’t know how it’s done or when it shouldn’t be attempted and tries to exceed the limits of his or her skills.  The ‘why?’ question is a good example.  Though “why” sounds like a natural question to ask - it’s counterproductive for several reasons.  First, because it is the hardest question to answer.  Second, the information won’t help solve the problem.  Most of all, people tend to feel the ‘why’ question to be irrelevant, invasive or judgmental and are likely to withdraw or become defensive.

It’s also unhelpful if the person with the problem doesn’t want help.  In the first case helping can cause more trouble and in the second it can be annoying at best and can actually make the helpee’s life more difficult.   The best way to avoid giving unwanted help is to look for and recognize the cues that your friend is saying ‘no thanks’.  The best way to avoid being a serial helper is to pay attention when you’re getting a gut feeling that says ‘don’t do it.’  We talk about this a lot in the book and we offer a variety of diplomatic and kind ways of saying: ‘Not now or not me”.  I wouldn’t be surprised if half the people that buy the book will want to know how to say “No”.

6. Any final thoughts or comments?

ANNA RANIERI:  We've enjoyed writing the book and we've been gratified to see that people enjoy reading it and using the information it contains.  We hope that our readers will feel comfortable choosing to help, will know that sometimes just listening is help enough, and will feel empowered to use - or not use- their inherent urge to demonstrate empathy and compassion.

JOE GURKOFF:  Our goal wasn’t to teach the theory of counseling or to turn people into psychotherapists.  We’ve done our best to write a book that will be interesting and useful to anyone who wants to help someone they care about.

Join us on May 7th, 2013 at 7:00pm to hear more and engage these ideas yourself through lively discussion.